…hard to be happy, but there’s always something in the way of that. I feel like I’m always living for someone else, and that I’m not allowed to be me. There’s always someone with an opinion, or someone to tell me who I have to be. I haven’t found my group of people yet. I want to find friends who are similar to me, and people who can take me away from my family. I don’t belong with my family right now, and I need a break. They do not let me be who I want to be. They do not let me be who I’m supposed to be. I feel trapped, and I just want to be myself unapologetically. I’m done being who everyone wants me to be. It’s time I live for myself, and hopefully something good happens to me soon. I deserve it.
Reflection:
This was written when I was 21, and I am currently 29 (couple mmonths away from 30).
It was only within the last two years that I would even consider myself less of a people pleaser than I am now. When I read these old journal entries I just feel bad for my younger self. I put everyone else before me and it never did me any good. Only broke me down year to year.
I’m a lot happier where I am now. It’s taken a lot of self confidence and self love to live for myself and not others. Many things in my life would’ve been different if I had been confident in myself back then. I mourn the many years of not choosing what made me happy.
As an adult you learn to set boundaries and figure out what your own peace is despite the pushback from others. I’m a lot happier with people I surround myself with now. There are so many journal entries like this even dating back to when I was 10 or so. It’s so interesting seeing the patterns in my life but not having the backbone to do anything about it.
Even now I’m still learning to say no and only allow into my life what fuels me. Sometimes it’s lonely, but necessary. I wouldn’t be who I am today without therapy and the work I’ve put into myself. Finding what brought me joy and doing it every day.
Time allowed me to break out of that cage. I had the key all along…I just had to use it.
This is a vulnerable post. That’s the whole point of Second Draft Co. My vision was honesty and vulnerability, and to show others they’re not alone. I will be the voice until you find yours.
I have notebooks and notebooks of journals spanning my whole life. Not even Kristen has read them all. But there are some entries I don’t mind sharing. If not for others, than for myself. To remind myself how far I’ve come even when I think I haven’t accomplished anything. I have.
Also a PSA: If you think blog posts like these shouldn’t be shared, I advise you to not read them. You have free will, and you don’t have to consume anything I put out.
