Nobody ever talks about how hard it is for the person setting the boundaries. Especially for personal peace. And you know that setting these boundaries are for your peace and what’s best for you, but you also know this could potentially be a line in the sand for whatever friendship/relationship you’re setting the boundary for. There wouldn’t have to be a boundary if the person respected you in the first place.
Then the debilitating thoughts creep in. Am I selfish? Was I too much? Did I overreact? But you need to trust yourself. You’re not ruining the relationship, the person who continuously crosses the boundary is. Setting boundaries is not for the weak. We’re programmed as humans to want to fit in so by standing your ground seems like going against the grain. Setting boundaries also doesn’t make you a bad guy. I applaud you for setting the boundary. It means you’re putting you and your peace first. A lot of people can’t do this. Or don’t know how to.
Setting boundaries is NOT the same thing as giving an ultimatum. The people who see it as such, are people to run far away from. They won’t have your best interests at heart. Setting a boundary is establishing what you are not okay with, and establishing your personal limits. Setting an ultimatum is more about controlling other people’s choices. Boundaries invite choice and discussion, whereas ultimatums force a decision on the other party.
I’m still actively trying to be better at setting boundaries. As an avid people pleaser, sometimes it feels impossible. That it’s easier for me to be belittled or my limits pushed over the fear of losing the person. But then I lose myself. And I deserve more than that. We only get one life, and I’m not living it for other people.
Family is the hardest to set boundaries with. Every family dynamic is different, but for me it was/is difficult to set boundaries. Part of me feels like I owe my parents everything, but in reality, I don’t. And if I set boundaries, it doesn’t mean I don’t like my family or anything. It just means I need to put myself first because no one will look out for me like I will. Sometimes it is hard to say no. But you’re not in control on how someone will act. Their reaction to your boundary is not your responsibility.
Friends are a little harder because in my opinion they will leave easier than family will. I still stand by setting your boundaries, even if you lose people over it. Because really there is nothing more important than your happiness and peace. If a friend stops talking to you because you set a boundary, good riddance. There will always be people who respect you and love you and will want to be around you. So don’t be afraid to shed the people who don’t respect your boundaries!
Don’t second guess yourself. If you feel in your gut you need to set a boundary, with anyone, trust yourself. Your body is feeling that way for a reason. It’s protecting you. Short term it may be difficult, but long term you’ll thank yourself. I still am actively trying to better myself at setting boundaries. It’s a learning process (as are most things). You get better at it with time, and you also build confidence.
Let me also clarify that just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean you’re going to lose people. There are people who won’t see a boundary as a threat. Because let’s be real, it’s not. If someone gets defensive over it, they need to do some inner work. Boundaries are not end all be all. I have people in my life who I know won’t leave if I ever decide to set a boundary. My wife being one of them.
So put yourself first. Decide what your limits are, and cut off anything that exceeds those limits. You come first. Protect your peace at all costs. This is a form of self care and you should never feel guilty for it. You decide your own reality and who you surround yourself with. Every action you take is a vote for who you are.
