One of my biggest things I had to work out in therapy was the age I was when I came out. I felt like since I came out at 28, I wasted 28 years of my life. My mindset toward the whole thing was negative, and I felt myself getting angry at the time I had lost. This followed me for a while after I came out.
I was resentful. I hated the fact that I grew up as a girl, and never got to experience childhood as a boy. Or teenage hood. Or even the beginning of adulthood. How different would things have been if I just came out sooner? Or even better, was born a boy? Would I have been happier? There’s no way to tell. But I kept dwelling on what could have been. I felt as though things were taken from me.
And don’t get me wrong; I did love girlhood. The sense of community and the way women are emotional in a way that men sometimes are not. I’m so grateful to have grown up the way that I did. But I still can’t help and feel mad.
In one of my sessions my therapist told me something that to you might not be huge, but to me it altered the way I think about me coming out at 28. She said Wes is just a baby. Wes was only months old. I was just starting my life. Yes, I didn’t grow up as a boy. But I’m an adult, and have all the power to recreate a childhood I never got. I can go out and buy toy trucks. Or a plastic sword. Do anything that was considered “just for boys” during my childhood. I have the power to affirm my gender in silly ways like that.
I’m still learning who Wes is. I’m finding I’m better at setting boundaries and speaking up for things I believe in. Also, liking new things now that I’m Wes. There are some things Danielle couldn’t do because she was shackled to what society said women can or can’t like. Now that I’m a lot more comfortable with myself, I don’t give a fuck. I like what I like, regardless if it’s labeled as gendered or not.
Sometimes I still wish I came out sooner so I could’ve gained more time as Wes. But I came out when I was supposed to. And there’s no point in thinking about what was “lost” and start focusing on everything I have to “gain.” It’s hard to not compare yourself to other trans people who came out at a younger age. I get jealous that those people knew themselves better at that age than I knew myself.
So, I continue to remind myself that Wes is just a baby. He has so much to experience with this new mindset and comfortability in himself. There’s so much in life to look forward to.
This post is for those who might be thinking the same thing. Regardless of what you identify as. Whenever you come out, it’s never too late. No matter how old you are. There is no timeline for these things. Your timeline is your own. As most things, don’t compare yourself to other people. There is no right or wrong. People come out exactly when they’re supposed to come out when situations allow it. Again, you’re never too old!
Wes is just a baby. He’s not even 1. There are so many things to experience and make up for all that was “lost.” Never look back, always look forward. If I came out earlier and “gained” all this time as Wes, it might not have looked like it does now. There’s no way to tell. Change your outlook on it. Find the positives.
28 is not old, I’m just dramatic.
